FANG DYSFUNCTION
by
Anna Evans
Erin just wants to be a normal modern day vamp, living a life filled with lots of vigorous blood sucking and more hot sex than a girl can handle. But when one of her fangs goes on the blitz, shriveling up like a neglected houseplant, she can no longer deny that things aren’t going exactly as planned.
If she doesn’t find a cure soon, she’s in for a lot worse than a severe case of vampire depression, she could very well bite the big one.
Secretly, Erin thinks life as a rookie vampire would be so much easier if she hadn’t been abandoned by the gorgeous man who transformed her in the first place. Too bad she hates his guts and he's not into the whole 'mating for eternity' thing. Right?
Erin’s about to realize that there’s no cure for fang dysfunction like interrupting a vampire orgy, taking a long hot shower with an old friend, and learning that maybe love isn’t impossible after all.
Rated: Explicit! This story is intended for mature audiences only. Adult language and sexual situations apply.
EXCERPT
“This can’t be happening,” Erin moaned as she looked in the mirror for the fiftieth time in the past twenty minutes, but it was happening. There was no denying that the little bastard was shrinking. Pulling into itself like the less-than-impressive penis on the naked man lying at her feet.
“Please tell me you didn’t order in again,” Kayla, her roommate, sighed as she entered the apartment.
“Leave me alone, wretched woman,” Erin muttered under her breath, moving even closer to the reflection staring back at her from the mantle mirror and gently poking at her tooth. Yup, it was definitely smaller, way smaller. Hell, if she turned sideways and squinted with one eye, she did not even look like a vampire.
“Bigger problems than a naked delivery boy and a large pepperoni pizza spilled on the white carpet?” Kayla asked as she crossed the room.
“Yes, bigger.”
“I see, you’re right, it has to be bigger. Almost anything would have to be bigger than that.” Kayla said.
“Would you believe he was a grower not a shower?”
“No. Too bad you can’t order sizes for the men as well as the pizza.” Kayla laughed as she poked the deliveryman gently with the toe of her shoe.
“Leave Stumpy alone, you heartless bloodsucker,” Erin said, falling into their familiar teasing more for comfort than anything else, seeing as she really was not in the mood for verbal sparring at the moment.
“Don’t get your fangs in twist, I wouldn’t dream of bothering…Stumpy. He looks like he’s been through enough already.”
“I guess I should get him dressed,” Erin said, feeling sorry for the man who would have been her dinner. He might have been sorely lacking in certain departments, but he did not deserve her tossing him on the floor like an empty pizza container.
“But you haven’t drank from him yet,” Kayla said.
“So? I’ll go get something later. I’m not hungry anyway,” Erin replied evasively, deciding it might be wise to hide the sight of her oddly shrunken tooth from her roomie.
Kayla was beautiful, dark, mysterious, seductive, and elegant, and took to being a vampire as if she had been born undead. Erin seriously doubted she had ever suffered something as shameful as fang dysfunction and really was not in the mood for the ‘oh my god how can you really be this bad at being a bloodsucker’ speech.
“You are too hungry, I can smell it,” Kayla said, squatting down and trying to catch her eye as Erin pulled the delivery boy into a seated position and started to stuff his arms into his checkered button up shirt “You should just take a little snack to hold you down. Otherwise, you know how you get.”
“Will you just leave me alone? I’ve got this under control, you nosy bitch,” Erin said.
“See you’re cranky already, you always get cranky when you’re—” Kayla broke off suddenly, her dark brown eyes widening dramatically in her flawless mocha face. “Oh my god, Erin, what happened to your tooth?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Erin mumbled as she tried to close her mouth tightly around the traitorous little fang.
“This just isn’t possible,” Kayla said. “Most vampires don’t develop retractable incisors until at least their second century. You’re only a few years old. There has to be something wrong.”
“Thanks for the reassurance, it’s sweet of you to allay my young vampire fears, but I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Erin said, hauling the dead weight of the man over her shoulder and struggling to pull his boxer briefs the last few inches over his rather—eww—hairy bottom.
“Not if you can’t feed you won’t be fine,” Kayla said, “When was the last time you ate?”
“Not too long ago,” Erin said, wishing Kayla would help her get Mr. Tall, Dark, and Hairy back into his pants instead of holding forth on the direness of her situation, but she had never been the type to ask for help.
“Will you please stop with him? This is serious,” Kayla said, focusing her energy on the deliveryman for a brief second before he floated into the air, his pants sliding on with ease. Mere moments later he was floating through the front door, regaining consciousness in time to be set down gently outside the elevator in the hallway, the encounter obviously wiped cleanly from his memory.
Kayla then walked over to close the door, Erin guessed more to have something to do, rather than that she was tired from her mental workout. Her roommate was a gifted telepath, teleporter, and a bit of an amateur witch as well as a vampire. It was not the first time Erin thought it was terribly unfair for her to be so multitalented as well as gorgeous. It was like having a best friend who was a supermodel, but performed brain surgery and wrote symphonies in her spare time.
“Actually performing brain surgery is a lot like fixing a car engine. It’s not nearly so complicated as they’d have you think,” Kayla said with a smile, taking Erin’s arm and pulling her toward the comfy overstuffed couch that dominated the room.
“Stop reading my mind,” Erin said, sighing as she collapsed next to her friend.
“I’m just trying to help,” Kayla said softly. “Now when was the last time you ate?”
“I had a banana when I woke up tonight,” Erin said with a tired smile.
“I don’t mean empty calories, I mean blood.”
“Three days ago,” Erin confessed, bringing a hand up to probe self-consciously at her amazing vanishing fang.
